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Your return is like throwing a boomerang in the sky; with each return, it hits me harder. You are an unwanted intruder occupying my mind as if it were your home. You haunt my thoughts every day and use fear and insecurity to get the best of me. Every time I look in the mirror, you are the shadow behind me whispering, “you are not worthy”- you keep telling me I don’t deserve love and success and that nothing I do matters.
Some days you make it impossible for me to get any task done. You keep me awake most nights obsessing over my flaws, and repeatedly thinking of every mistake I have made, making sure I knew I wasn’t capable of anything. Every day, I wake up with a clouded mind which leaves me spending endless hours in bed and puts me in a conflict of emotions- melancholy with a heavy chest and pure madness.
Anxiety, I feel trapped in this body and my overcrowded mind as I try to hold on and gasp for breath in a place where the air is so limited. I struggle to fight these unmerciful battles with the demons in my head and give up with a silent desperate cry for help. You are like a cancerous cell in my body, spreading rapidly and destroying everything around you.
I am weak, I am exhausted with the state you’ve put me through, and I am tired of masking my deafening cries with a broken smile and pretending as if everything is okay. I can’t let you take over my life and keep feeding me dreadful lies to put me down. It’s ENOUGH! ….
It is time.
It is time I gather the courage to silent your voice and push through these walls you have enclosed me in. The scars you’ve left on my body make me stronger to fight your demonic battle. I will not hide in this cave of despair, every chance you seek to sink my ship into apathy.
My soul will find solace amidst this chaos, and it will learn to bloom like the flowers in spring that have survived a fiendish blizzard. I will learn to love myself more and more every day and, I will learn to accept my flaws and pat myself on the back for every small win. I will plant and nurture the seeds of good thoughts and, I will restore my faith in God and choose to be a kind and loving person to others. I choose to set my spirit free and claim my mind and body back from your capture. I know the journey isn’t going to be easy; but with every rainstorm, the sun shines bright.
And every dusk promises the return of a New Dawn.
Title: AMIDST THE CHAOS.
Written by: Krishna Toor.